Jillian’s peers had made it out like the world ended when you used any substance, but the world hadn’t ended at all. In fact, it felt exactly the same. She still had no desire to use it and was looking forward to doing step work with Jen that evening. Even more, after the magic of last night, she was looking forward to it more than the day before.
When she had first arrived to the rooms, one of the first things Jillian heard was that she had to change her people, places and things. Which made sense because like they always say, “If you keep going to the barbershop, you are going to get a haircut.” But when her old friend Sarah called, she was delighted to hear from her. Sarah wasn’t around during the years Jillian spent curled up into a miserable ball at the feet of addiction.
She was 16 years old when she shot dope for the first time. Drugs had never been around much for most of her childhood, but she had been dating this mega-hot senior, and she was head over heels.
Many of us stay long after realizing our relationship is destroying us — how to leave and why every part of you wants to stay…
When you know that you know how to behave in a conscious way, practicing full awareness and living with an inner peace, it’s hard to understand why you lose it out of nowhere. You find yourself being reactive. After some conflict has arisen from inside of you or around you, you take a step back and look. Then, when you’re open to reality, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
When I walked in, they asked me to place all my bags on the counter for inspection. I was nervous, even though I knew I didn’t have any contraband. I pointed to my tiny glass animals from Texas — that were folded inside some clothes — so the intake nurse wouldn’t drop them as she searched my things. They were, after all, the only thing I had.
It’s the constant battle between the head and the heart that makes you literally have no idea what is actually going on. You earnestly pray to know what is right. You search, but you are utterly confused. Then eventually, one day you figure out, without a doubt that you are indeed in a toxic and spirit crushing relationship.
I wanted acceptance, purpose, freedom and love. I wanted what I wanted and I couldn’t understand the gibberish they were speaking about balance. I had real life problems to deal with and here they were talking about balance.
How could someone so full of love, light and life not have the will to live? How could those who improve the lives of so many other people not be capable of creating a life for themselves that is good enough to live?
Maybe there was a fire and you barely got out in time. Or maybe, you got T-boned at an intersection and as that car slammed into you in slow motion, your life flashed before your eyes. Some people have drowned and survived. Many have gone to war. Some victims of abuse face fear of death or severe harm on a daily basis. The list goes on.